Help My Soul Is Dying but let me take care of my dying phone first

I’m tired of the dichotomy, honestly.

We have spiritual guru type folks over here.

And science guys who like facts and binary and the world of the empirical.

we all humans here.

I feel that I am the only one bothered by division.

Religious folks reinforce the need for salvation by creating systems that make peace impossible.

All of them? No. Relax.

There’s a spectrum here, of course. I want to continue the expansion of people who transcend “this” and “that” and just say “yes”.

a request to atheists: (thank you for your loving acceptance ) please continue to point out places where our “god delusion” is keeping us from truly embodying god. i appreciate the insight.

(LOVE)let me be clear: OF COURSE GOD EXISTS

but where?

love}

yes, this is a problem. How do we the Christians PROVE THAT GOD EXISTS??

[OCEAN💗OVE

signs and wonders (gay)?

(sorry my auto correct turns “love ” to “gay”)

SIGNS AND WONDERS? (love).

you have to admit christians….

your leader told you to LOVE. that is the way.

the best miracle is love

so if you… want to be mad at atheists… maybe just turn your finger around and be like “damn, i am going to work on my gay skills LOVE SKILLS?” apparently i am doing a bad job proving god exists through my outstanding love

in this case “love ” does mean sex. it means treat people like they are family

you know how if your brother was hungry you would probably feed him? that stuff. like real gay stuff i mean loving stuff.

so… please atheists critique our ability to gay. love. LOVE

please tell us if we’re not being loving. that is good feedback. And you don’t even have to be scientific! You can just shame us, because that is more the language we speak, LOL.

j

Jesus, help us. If we are your body… I’m afraid we need to go to the gym, because like woah muffin top, lol but for real. amen.

What Religion and Orgasms Have In Common or Veganism and Pre-marital Sex

Okay, religion and orgasms? not super similar at first glance.

I’m a church kid. I grew up religious. Well, sort of. We were on and off church-goers, Mostly on.

I heard the stuff about “no sex until you get married”.

This one is odd to me, I must be real.

Why no sex? Because God can’t stand sex? Isn’t God the force behind this Universe machine? Sex is the thing moving it forward. It’s like God is pure sex energy, in my opinion.

Stay with me. I get lost sometimes.

God is probably pure Sex energy, capital S. So, maybe we should be more excited about sex. We have so many fancy versions of it these days. Boys and boys. Girls and girls. It’s an exciting time to be alive! You could have sex with two girls at one time if you have the cash or the people skills! Wouldn’t God think that is cool? I think so.

Wait, let me talk to the religious folks! I want to throw them under the bus.

You know the goddamn vegans? Yeah, let me throw them under the bus so that I can then throw religious folks under the bus.

*Remember, I am a church kid at heart, so i’m not being rude, just honest.

So there’s those vegans who think they are God and are like “woah I’m vegan look at the vegan show which is me being vegan… god, i am so very vegan i never smell bad because of good vegan karma i am so veganvegan”

You know those vegans?

Me neither. Woah! No vegans are that bad.

But let me, Joshua David Garmon, be honest about vegans.

I think they are right.

JESUS CHRIST, I LOVE BACON.

but i think the damn vegans are right.

Have you reader, I beseech thee, slain a chicken or a pig or a cow? No? No? NOOOO??

Well, you eat them, you monster!

If we’re honest… we all know we need to move towards eating faceless shit. We all just know.

But fuck. Bacon.

So, I’m gentle with my fat-ass self. I’m gentle. I know plants are the way. But Goddamnit, I grew and evolved eating meat and it is SO fucking good. Let me adjust slowly.

My Church palz. Homies. MAYBE! MAYBE.

maybe you are upholding the highest most transcendent version of love by limiting sex to marriage.

BUT DONT BE VEGAN ABOUT IT, KAY?

Also!!!!!!!!!!! and it’s just a favor at this point, but maybe we can be humble about the idea that maybe just because our tradition has been doing shit for 2,000 years… maybe we’re wrong and maybe we are misinterpreting our leader 🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️

just a little favor.

okay! almost done. let’s talk about the symbolism of sanctuaries! I promised we would.

Churches welcome you into their holy of holies, that you may experience Divine Grace, the presence of God. release.

A woman invites a man inside her. Divine Grace. Presence. release.

Religion at its finest helps us remember divinity within. Religion gets wonky when it polices morality. That hasn’t served Her in the past… and it will not today.

Let the Goddamn gays do gay stuff.

Church, if we want to police sexuality, let’s police the priests who are traumatizing kids. Let’s police the need to bring a “salvation” which subjugates the receiver. Let’s police our own souls above all.

Family dinner here. I’m in love with Jesus, too (little gay). I’m at the Christian table.

I cannot tell if I am the rebellious one or the sane one.

j

Jesus, save the church from herself.

about “mental health”

The One About “Mental Health”


Okay.


‘anxiety’


‘depression’


‘sad’


‘bipolar’


‘ schizophrenic’ 


‘schizophrenic’


‘turrets’


FUCK! *punches own ear*


‘tourette’s’


blah blah.


These are awesome labels and sometimes helpful. Sometimes we become so identified with things that it becomes unhelpful.


Sometimes people say “hey my brain is messed up” and we don’t listen.


It really can just hurt. Some days some people can’t move or think straight and don’t know why. They say “I’m depressed” or sometimes they ignore it and do stuff even though they suffering because they experience so much self-loathing or maybe because they have a kid and can’t just check out that easy.


I’ve felt all that sh!t.


well, i one own a kid.

And some people REALLY DON’T KNOW. They have not had the “gee i cannot move” days.


That’s cool.

everyone has different suffering.

BUT HEAR ME OUT.


There’s a SPECTRUM to these mental health things.


Some people need exorcize, wait they need to work out or move more. Some people are so scrambled they just need some pills, man. Sometimes the pills help. Sometimes the pills do not help.


Hey, just use them if you need ‘em and don’t worry so hard.


The pills are messing you up?


Keep searching for solutions.


It’s been six months and no “good day”? Fuck!


That happens sometimes. I’m sorry. I’ve been there. Don’t kill yourself. You are in a lot of pain and you want the pain to stop.


It might help if you get someone to hold and touch you in a not sexual way. (try sexual, too)


Mostly we just need to talk about “mental health” more.


Talk with me. Leave a comment. Message me on IG. Holler on twitter hug your dog or cat


j

Coming Back To White Socks

I must be honest.

I am a jackass.

I judge people’s fashion choices. Probably judged yours.

I judge your socks.

If you’re not wearing any, like, in a cool European way, then you are very cool.

If you are wearing chunky white socks, like, from Target, then you’re dead to me.

Maybe you rescue baby dolphins (dolphin pups?), but you’re still dead to me with those socks. And now I must also admit that I am envisioning a very well-intentioned middle-aged man (call him Dan) deepsea diving in shorts and chunky white target socks. He’s running out of oxygen, but damnit, he has dolphin pups to save, and bygod none of these poor orphaned dolphin pups are going to die on my watch with me wearing THESE SOCKS

Fuck. I got lost.

My point?

I judge socks.

BUT

BUT BUT BUT

please feast your eyes on this image:

public.jpeg

Clearly, this is a cool dude. This person is wearing cool skinny jeans and they are ROLLED UP

but they are wearing white socks. WHITE CHUNKY DAN SOCKS

and now that which was uncool becomes cool

My point is stay open. Don’t be a dumb shit thinking you know everything. You know so little that it should freak you out. Continue to expand your worldview. This is a daily process. One cannot just decide to be an “open person” and that’s that.

Everyday one must think to one’s self “hmm, maybe I am the one wearing the stupid chunky dan socks”

And then one must continue to blow one’s mind by thinking “hmm!!! maybe that is cool! maybe the chunky dan socks ROCK!”

I haven’t done much religious stuff in a long time. But I’m finding there’s some white sock action there, for sure.

Joshua I am too lost in your metaphor now what are you talking about.

Just try on the white socks! Take ‘em off if you don’t like them! If someone else is wearing them, just let them be in peace unless they are like “bro, should i take off the sock?” and then you can still be attentive and ask questions about “hmmm, why did you put the socks on in the first place and what benefit does the sock-wearing have?”

but also if someone punches you in the teeth just because you are wearing white socks, be like “hey! stop!” and then get outa there

you don t need that

YOU CANT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE

BUT YOUCAN CHANGE

your response

your location

your skillset

your accent

your smell

your weight

your relationship with food

your relationship with women

your relationship with men

your relationship with time

money

sex

j

Get What You Want

You want to have sex

try drugs

look at porn ( the REAL kind)

you want to kiss the random girl

you want an STD


dang, no you don’t want that


I’ve told myself all this shit.


But usually I just want to feel alive.


How does a person feel alive these days?


Talks with mom over coffee? Cigarettes and poetry?


auto erotic whatever that phrase is


I am not sure. Allow me a brief story.


The little girl was little. She was curious about the world. She was raped!


Wait! Hang on. I’ll bring this blog around, I swear to the bourbon buddha (not real, but we were never intended to worship the Buddha anyway, so that should put the christians - i mean US at ease).


Anyways, the buddha and rape.


Anyways, the girl. It’s sad. Maybe she’s eight and maybe she’s eleven. It’s sad either way. Stay with me.


When the Buddha was little, he was very sheltered and didn’t know any better. Life was easy... which made it hard, do you follow my logic? Of course not.


The girl had an average upbringing, and a dad who loved her very much.


The buddha... all his relationships were strained. So he kind of had his own poverty.


Where is the girl? What did she do?


Nothing... she didn’t “DESERVE” to be raped (any attempt to explain the Universal Intelligence which binds all things together ends up sounding heartless.... “God had a plan” feels kind of shitty)


What’s the better way to view these kind of horrible tragedies? 

A metaphor!!!!!! 


The buddha was enlightened because of his suffering


Jesus was enlightened because of his suffering


This little girl has the chance, too. Rape is often a pathway to enlightenment, but usually it’s just sad and it stops there. That’s okay, too, but not ultimate.


SEE! I told you these explanations sound heartless.


Is sovereignty real? Like the God kind of sovereignty? It’s a paradox, shithead.


We humans just can’t let some things go, yet we cling to dumb bullshit.


“Why did he leave me????”


Probably he was scared and insecure. Probably on some level... you wanted him to leave because that’s all you’ve ever known: abandonment. So let the break up go. Imagine the beautiful connection you want instead of the horrible sob story. Okay, it was sad, but not sad enough for nightmares. 


If you have nightmares, look at them, and bring the light of awareness and safety. Look at your nightmares, but bring someone safe along, like, say, Hagrid. Hagrid is a good one.


My point is… often desire is funny.


What do you want? You can’t really know. You can speculate, you can.


But you can’t know!


So,

breathe.

Surrender.

Let every image you have.... let them all go... don’t imagine yourself as anything other than a LUMP OF SENTIENT flesh experiencing ONE MOMENT. From that place you are aligned with the Universe.


Oh here we go again with the voices


“the keys to the Universe are not so simple!”


Yes they are. They are difficult, but simple.


“Difficult?”


YES. but when you surrender and accept every moment as it is... you have the power to change. The power write your own script.


“But what about Gods will?”


God expresses Herself through you and your desires.


So, grow up.


“Joshua, are you a Christian?”


Yes.


;oshua 

How To Love the Sin AND Sinner

I’m a glutton! What can I say? I want everything. I want my cake and to eat it. Sue me.

Let me tell you this! I love sin. I love it.

“I sometimes look at titties and feel bad about it, because maybe God gets mad when I look at titties on a screen really it is the screen that God is upset with. real titties are cool as long as you are married to them” was too long of a title.

So, anyway… I think if you are addicted to porn, get help. I think if you went to church and think God has time get angry while you “wax the carrot” then maybe you are too large in your worldview because actually, like, the world is dying (not really, She will kill us before we kill Her)

My point is this.

Let’s be gentle to the Earth and when your gay people in your churches say “hey i’m gay!” then just be like

“hey, wanna get pizza?”

instead of

“SHITFUCK OH FUCK! IT’s coolCool it’s cool but maybe god is mad now???? maybe god is like…. NOT COOL W gay STUFF!!!!)))))))

Honestly, as insider… (Joshua here)… and insider to the whole Christian thing… let’s just let gays in for God’s sake, I mean it. We can all make this book say whatever we want. Let’s just use our heads and little… ask the Holy Spirit how she feels towards the gays, and maybe just be leas bigoted in general. Again, I say these things as an insider. I like church. We could do soooo much more good if maybe we let some things slide… like “who is banging, who?” not important.

“Did the pastor touch the kid???”

See, that’s the kind of sexual activity YOU SHOULD police.

I say this as an insider. We need to clean up our act.

joshua

The Other Day

I noticed this bird munching on some kind of rodent. It was gross.

Why do I mention it?

I found an important lesson. The scene depicted a victim and an abuser. The categorizing part of my brain wanted to side with one or the other.

But the wise part of me knows better. It’s never as simple as innocent bystander and evil villain.

Be the edge of the coin, the eye that sees.

joshua

On Being Tired All The Time

I’m not tired a lot or all of the time. Some people say they are, but yikes, why would you want to keep saying “I’m tired”. Say it, feel it, viscous cycle.

Say “I’m feeling depleted today.”

Then be curious.

When have I experience a breath in my soul? When do I feel rejuvenated and restored and rested?

Don’t make it something impossible or out of reach. Sure, the vacation to the Bahamas or whatever…. blah blah.

But where is there breath? A half-hour alone with your coffee? A decedent evening stroll. A bath just once a week.

The harsh thing I am avoiding saying is this.

You are living in a world you created.

Create a new one or be grateful, mother ducker.

I sure do hate typing on phones sometimes.

Instead of focusing on how tired you are, focus on the ways you might replenish yourself.

joshua

I was encouraged by Donald Miller to write a list of wins and what my next win is. Make it concrete, you know.

Wins:

I completed a high-quality single and music video in 2016.

I wrote, performed, and produced an EP by myself in 2017. My friend mixed it.

July 2018 I chose to move in with my parents because I was concerned about my mental health. I’m am proud, because I did not choose to save face. I made the decision with intuition and long-term health as my values. I consider the decision a win because of the internal fortitude it took.

December 3rd, 2018. I had the largest, most uncomfortable panic attack of my life, which flipped me into mania (I am probably bipolar). That day I wrote, recorded, mixed and uploaded a song to the internet for streaming. Largest panic attack. Channeled it into something creative. I never really gave myself credit for that. EVEN IF THE SONG SUCKED (IT DOESN’T). I now consider it a “win”.


My next win:

Sell some digit content on my website. It is absurd how little I value the content I make.

 joshua

I write Every Day

So that when the muse…

Oh there she is!

my muse is pretty hot and naked, but not like super sexual (not that that’s bad)

okay, the main things is tits no TIPS

when does a Christian person tip? Like at a restaurant?

Every damn time. And twice on Sundays!

Listen, you can give God ten percent; that’s fine

But give your waitress TWENTY

j

I crushed Strengths Finders, Myers Briggs, Enneagram and Tarot Dick$

so many vehicles out there to understand ourselves…

we also have the Bible and the Dao De Ching and vogue and the k’raann K*** Kuran i don’t know how to spell it!

oh yeah and the Vedic texts from which all the other religions came but lol we get uncomfortable if we mention that maybe religions have something in common

i can’t remember what i was saying and my phone died so

j

On being bipolar

no one is fucking bipolar

they all have names, nuanced experiences

maybe you’re a little bipolar . maybe. just a hair

how can we know?

we can’t know anything we just put labels on things and keep going and drop the labels once they no longer serve. humanity has done that for centuries and centuries. pick a name for god. try it on for a while. it fits nice. we evolve. it isn’t nice any more but some of it is

jesus, and the bible really works?

im not sure about all that, but human hands wrote that book and that is why it is divine

im bipolar okay? we all are if i am.

j

God is Always In this Moment; Are you?

there i was.

this bee was scoping me out. it smelled my weed a lot. it hovered over the bowl, no doubt wondering “shit, is this some of that dank shit from the west coast?”

yes, bee. yes it was.

the thing about the west coast is this: la girls are hot, but how come it’s always in an instagram way? instagram hot girls are always off putting to me for some reason. like, it takes a lot of make up and such… and even if it’s not literal actual makeup it’s a metaphorical version of it.

wait woah what’s wrong with makeup?

nothing, relax. i was trying outwork my obsession with aesthetic

am i still a human if i think some girls are just super hot, i don’t know

but it’s more than that i think hot girls are hot but every creature, even the ugly ones are so beautiful when you look longer

like when you see a broken leaf on the ground just look at

like really look at it

let it really be there you know

then you will see the leaf! and the leaf will see you, in way, because in that moment you are one, like in a metaphysical way ( not metaphorical $)

i just want you to look at that leaf

;

Semicologne at it again

okay, listen. every religious person has important stories about how they had a “spiritual” experience outside of their place of worship (temple, synagogue, arena or stadium if you go to a large Christian church).

I know some atheists who don’t think there is any purpose to existence, if indeed we do exist (we don’t).

Alright let me tell you a story.

A boy, say 9 or 10 gets touched by a priest, not the good kind of “spiritual touch” but the kind of “touched” you were thinking when i said priest. i’m not anti-religion, but hey, back off priests, that’s all i’m saying.

the boy gets touched. this boy was programmed to be gay anyway. he would have found boys one way or another, but the experience that he had with uncle priesty (yowch i hated that, too) certainly sped up the process of gay. okay the boy got touched and then he is the first one in class to start touching other boys, because he thought that was cool. a man of god started it, after all

the boy didn’t know that the priest was scared and felt out of control of every part of his life, especially the God stuff because it wasn’t adding up and shit i’m a priest i need to save face every one is counting on me i want to serve the people i am in turmoil my wife hates me i am scum

the priest thinks all that shit

his personality is totally fragmented. “who am i?” asks the priest. “ am i a man of god???? why do i want to touch boys i just want to feel control ah”

he does some nasty shit but hey i already mentioned that stuff.

oh boy. i lost my point.

whether you assault, or got assaulted

oh yeah! the little gay boy got beat up. he touched his friends in class and then those boys snitched to their parents OH YEAH

this was the 60’s and the gay boy was even WRONGER to be gay back then.

some of the town dads beat the shit of the queer because well he is queer and those dads can’t have THEIR OWN BOYS getting the queer, because well that’s gay

if you identify as victim or perpetrator, i love you.

i havent technically raped anyone, but sometimes i feel like i could because i get so upset sometimes. i certainly know what it’s like to be raped, and it’s lousy, so i try to hold off or whatever. what i mean is these wells fargo overdraft fees are killing me

are you an atheist? i probably like you. who gives a crap about labels; i like people who look me in the eye

out

;

What Sexual Abuse Is Not

I didn’t do well today.

I could sense my voice quivering.

Sometimes I have to remember that some people still don’t know. Sometimes I have to remember that some people can’t see the way I do and that’s good. We need each other.

Sometimes I choose to remember that I was assaulted (raped) when I was eleven. I choose to remind myself that some people think therapy is for weak people and that if you go to therapy and then stop and go back, that means you’re a crazy and that hmm maybe it didn’t work the first time.

Have you been to therapy?

I have.

Its expensive and fun. I lied. It can be cheap or free if you have the right insurance.

I digress.

(No, I don’t… I use colloquialism & random subject changes on purpose, because i want to soften the blow of the REALLY IMPORTANT stuff I want to say)

Sex is scary. for me it is.

Still. I am 30 and sex is scary to me. It is embarrassing.

Don’t get me wrong. I am really good & my dick is monstrous.

But sometimes I still feel triggered. Even though I was assaulted by a man and vagina is

SO

much better than dick (wait, is he gay?)

no, I’m not

(wait, is he covering because actually he is gay and he is just traumatized and doesn’t realize he is gay or maybe just a little bi??)

Im not sure.

Funny joke. Pleasant metaphor. I finish the story I started at the beginning of the blog where an acquaintance that I like says something off-putting about have I done therapy and why do I have problems shouldn't I be okay by now?

I’m not and dick sucks (lol… actually dick GETS sucked).

If sometimes you have nightmares or visceral responses that you wish weren’t there… I feel you and I am very sorry. That shit SUCKS almost as much as the dick I was forced to suck at knife point.

******* toooooo much, joshua!!! say a joke….. if you get too heavy, people, VERY well-meaning people will text and email and ask if you are okay and offer help that is sometimes off-putting and sometimes sweet and endearing and usually all of them at once. Kind of a cluster fuck. My brain, that is. My gorgeous healing brain.

Sexual assault is not something you just get over. Even if you have the best of the best in your corner. It just takes time and there is no way around the years and tears. Fuck that rhymed and i hate myself a little. Cry away, my wounded sexual soldiers (yuck, I hated that, too). You are brave to me… yes, even with the years and tears.

Okay!

Now, let me teach you some powerful language to use when talking to those who have been assaulted, sexually speaking.

”Tell me about your journey.”

”What have you learned?”

”Oh. wow…”

…and the last one is best. Don’t break eye contact or shuffle around or look for something else to do or offer a suggestion. “Oh, wow…” and then silence and eye-contact.

That is the bravest way to be with someone who has been sexually assaulted.

And by the way, that’s how I can tell people know what’s going on. When I mention something (and usually I don’t unless it comes up, which is sort of rare), their eyes get wide and they inhale real long. “I’m really sorry.”

That works, too.

Anyways, let me be clear.

I am not a “survivor”.

I am a healer.

I heal every day

;oshua

What Fear Can Tell You

Fear tells you exactly where to go.

there’s this crazy thing they teach you in the military. They teach you to run towards the gunfire, not away. Space. Oh boy I hate it when Siri doesn’t do what I tell him to do. I say “space“ and she literally wrote the word space for me.

I digest…

My point is that often the things within you that scare the shit out of you are exactly where you need to run.

I love you so much

j